Bells
by Lady Lizzie
Summary: Lucius Malfoy falls in love...
1. Default Chapter

**Disclaimer**: all these characters belong to J.K. Rowling. I'm merely borrowing them to have a little bit of fun. The dialogues belong to Ben Elton and Richard Curtis. I have only altered them.

**A/N**: I want to thank Lady Smitten for doing the beta work again.

* * *

**_Bells_**

Tonks was sitting with her father. She was a beautiful young witch and her father was old and gibbering.

"Father, I must speak. I can be silent no longer. All day long you mutter to yourself, gibber, moan and bash your head against the wall yelling, 'someone curse me'. Now, you may say I'm leaping to conclusions, but you're not completely happy, are you? It's mother, isn't it?" Tonks asked as she kneeled at her father's side.

"No, it's not," her father replied.

"You're brooding over her death, aren't you?" Tonks asked dramatically

"Tonks, for the final time, your mother is not dead. She's run off with your uncle," he said.

"Dear Father, I know you only say such things to comfort me," Tonks said, her voice trembling slightly.

"Your mother is alive and well and living in Hogwarts. It's not her I brood over, I'm sad because, my darling, our poverty has now reached such extremes that I can no longer afford to keep up and must look to my own dear tiny darling to sustain me in my frail dotage," the man explained.

"But Father, surely…" Tonk started.

"Yes, Tonks… I want you to become a prostitute," her father interrupted.

"Never, Father," Tonks objected.

"Do you defy me?" he said raising his voice.

"Indeed I do, for 'tis better to die poor than to live in shame and ignominy," Tonks said as she rose to her feet.

"No, it isn't," her father protested.

"I am young and strong, clever, my nose is pretty and my hair colourful. I shall find another way to earn a living," Tonks said proudly.

"Oh, please go on the game. It's a steady job and you'd be working from home," her father said.

"Goodbye, Father. I shall go to Wiltshire, disguise myself as a boy, and seek my fortune," Tonks said as she swept out off the room.

"Why walk all the way to Wiltshire when you can make a fortune lying on your back!" her father shouted but it was too late.

Lucius Malfoy was in one of the many dungeons of Malfoy Manor. Wormtail stood at the door with a target held above his head. Malfoy was holding a bow and arrow and aimed at the target. He shot a bullseye.

"Very good shot, Master," Wormtail said.

"Thank you, Wormtail," Malfoy replied.

The door against which Wormtail stood suddenly swung open. Luckily, Malfoy had put a spell on him so that Wormtail was stuck to the door. Snape walked in, carrying a bow and arrows.

"Sorry, I'm late," Snape said.

"Don't bother apologizing, I'm sorry you're alive," Malfoy sneered.

"Ah, good." Snape said, ignoring Malfoy's insult. "I see the target's ready."

Snape turned to take his shot when Malfoy suddenly pulled a little pink envelope out of Snape's robes. Snape lunged to grab it but Malfoy stopped him with a well-aimed kick in Snape's nether regions without taking his eyes off the letter.

"And who is Jane?" Malfoy smirked.

"I am sworn to secrecy. Torture me, kill me, curse me, you shall never know," Snape said in a slightly higher voice.

This time, Malfoy's leg moved forward again and kicked Snape's private parts harder.

"Jane Harrington!" Snape cried out in a high pitched-voice as he held his family jewels.

"Ah," Malfoy replied casually.

"We are very much in love, Master," Snape said as he gathered himself.

"This is THE Jane Harrington?" Malfoy asked with an arched eyebrow.

"Yes," Snape replied proudly.

"Jane 'burry me in a Y-shaped coffin' Harrington?" Malfoy sneered.

"I think maybe there are two Jane Harringtons," Snape said with a light hint of suspicion in his voice.

"No. Tall, blonde, elegant?" Malfoy asked, clearly enjoying this.

"Yes, that's right," Snape replied.

"Goes like a privy door when Dobby has been cooking?" Malfoy smirked.

"Lucius!" Snape said feeling rather insulted.

"Come on, get on with your shot, you'll get over her…" Malfoy said as Snape tried to concentrate on the shot.

"I did. So did Wormtail actually," Malfoy sneered.

Snape was so surprised by this remark, that he dropped his aim and shot Wormtail in his groin.

"Ow!" Wormtail cried out.

"You see, she's got a thing about pureblood wizards," Malfoy said.

"Well in that case, I'm going to marry a mudblood," Snape said as he swept out of the room.

"Bad luck, Wormtail," Malfoy said, looking at the arrow still stuck in such a painful place.

"Not to worry, Master. The arrow didn't, in fact, enter my body," Wormtail said as he shrugged his shoulders.

"Oh good," Malfoy replied.

"No. By a thousand to one chance, my snake got in the way. I'd only put it there, but now I will leave it there for ever," Wormtail said beaming.

"Quite so, Wormtail. It can be your lucky snake," Malfoy said.

"Yes, Master. Years from now, I shall show it to my grandchildren," Wormtail said proudly.

"Yes, Wormtail. I think that grandchildren may now be out of the question," Malfoy remarked as he pulled the arrow out of Wormtail's private parts.

"Poor old peabrain Snape. Never catch me falling in love, that's for damn sure as mustard," Malfoy said.

Suddenly, someone knocked on the door. Wormtail opened it and Tonks entered, cunningly disguised as a boy.

"Good day to you, Mister Malfoy," Tonks said and bowed.

Malfoy choked up for a moment. This was love at first sight but he recovered, after all, this was a boy.

"Good day to you, boy. What is it brings you here?" Malfoy asked.

"I'm an honest, hard-working lad, but poor and I must support my father, who is stark-raving mad. Therefore I have come to Wiltshire to seek a servant's wage," Tonks replied.

"Well, yes, indeed. Unfortunately, I already have a servant," Malfoy said with a hint of disappointment in his voice.

"The word is that your servant is the worst servant in Wiltshire," Tonks remarked bravely.

"Mmmm, that's true. Wormtail, you're fired. Be out of the house in three minutes. Well, young man, you've got yourself a job. What do they call you?" he asked.

"Tonks," she replied without thinking. ****

"Isn't that a bit of a … girl's name?" Malfoy asked suspiciously.

"It's uhm, short for, uhm, Bob," she replied.

"Well, Bob, welcome on board," Malfoy said as he reached out to shake hands with his new servant. Then he noticed that Wormtail hadn't moved an inch. "Sorry, Worm. Any reason you're still here?"

"I've got nowhere to go, Master," Wormtail said with a trembling voice.

"Oh surely you'll be allowed to starve to death in the gutters of Knockturn Alley," Malfoy sneered.

"I've been in your service since you lost your house-elf to the Potter-kid, Master," Wormtail said.

"Well, that must be why I'm so utterly sick of the sight of you," Malfoy sneered.

"Couldn't I just stay here and do the same jobs but for no wages?" Wormtail asked hopefully.

"Well, you know where you'd have to live…" Malfoy said.

"In the broomstick cupboard?" Wormtail asked.

"Yes, and you'd have to work a bit harder too," Malfoy said.

"Of course, Master," Wormtail said.

"All right. Go and get Bob's stuff in then and chuck your filthy muck out," Malfoy ordered.

"God bless you, sweet master," Wormtail replied as he fell on his knees, kissing the hems of Malfoy's robes.

"All right, all right," Malfoy hissed as he slammed Wormtail with his cane.

"Thank you so much for letting me stay, Mister Malfoy," Tonks said.

"No, not at all, Bob. I'm looking forward to having you… having… another man about the house, instead of that animal Wormtail. Excuse me. I'm just going to the lavatory," Malfoy said as he swept out of the room, feeling a bit worried about the unintended pun.

"How little he knows! And how much I would have him know," Tonks sighed to herself.


	2. Love

"Nice try Fudgy, but it's no use. I'm still utterly bored," Voldemort sighed.

"I'm very sorry, My Lord. You used to like my impersonation of a cursed Muggle," Fudge replied.

"Yes, I know. Where's Lucius these days?" he asked.

"Well, My Lord, the whisper is that Malfoy is spending all his time with a young boy in his service," Fudge said.

"Oh. Do you think he'd spend more time with me if I would still be a young boy?" Voldemort asked.

"Surely not, Master," Fudge said

"I heard that when you were born, they almost feared that you weren't human," Bellatrix suddenly interrupted.

"What?" Voldemort hissed.

"Yeah. Out you popped from your mummy's belly and everyone gasped and shouted 'it's a demon! It's a demon! And then someone said: "it has three legs!" And then medi-witch Simpson pointed out that it wasn't a leg but a winkle and everyone was really happy," Bellatrix explained.

"Yes, well, you see, she was a very perceptive woman, medi-witch Simpson," Fudge added.

"Oh what has happened to Lucius? There's something very odd about someone who spends all their time with a servant," Voldemort groaned.

It was late at night. Malfoy was seated in his chair by the fire and Tonks was pouring him a drink.

"Well, Bob, we're a couple of fine lads together, aren't we? Let's get ratted and talk about girls," Malfoy said as he slapped his thigh with false bravado. "Yes, we could sing some really dirty songs and… Oh, Merlin… I find you curiously pleasant company, young Bob," Malfoy continued as he kept gazing at her.

"I am honoured, and for my part want nothing more than be with you… old Goldielocks," Tonks sighed.

"Well, yes, of course, there's nothing more healthy and… normal… than… having a good… chum," Malfoy stammered as he kept his eyes fixed on her.

"What think you, master, of … love?" Tonks asked.

"You mean rattling pencils?" Malfoy asked with an arched eyebrow.

"What would you say, master, if I were to say I love you?" Tonks asked in return.

"Well, of course, it would depend entirely on who you said it to. If you said it to a house-elf, I'd presume you were sick, if you said it to Wormtail, I'd presume you were blind, and if you said it to me…," Malfoy answered rather nervously.

"Yes, master?" Tonks asked eagerly.

"Well, I'd naturally assume we were having a big lad's joke about backticklers, the way we healthy fellows often do, and so I'd probably grab you for a friendly wrestle and we'd probably slap each other's thighs like jolly good chums, and laugh at what it would be like… if we really did… fancy each other," Malfoy said, obviously in battle with his own feelings.

"In that case, master, I love you," Tonks blurted out.

Malfoy laughed unconvincingly as he jumped from his chair and grabbed Tonks. There was a half-hearted effort at wrestling but since Malfoy was so much stronger, Tonks fell on her back and he landed on top of her. There was a short pause and just as they moved closer together as if about to kiss, Wormtail burst into the room.

"Don't worry, Bob. He used to try and kill me, too," Wormtail said, totally misunderstanding the situation.

Malfoy quickly jumped up and straightened his robes. "Ah, Wormtail, Merlin, am I glad to see you. What do you want?" Malfoy asked.

"I was just wondering if I could sleep in the torture room. The Aurors said if I lay in the gutters, they'd send me to Azkaban," Wormtail explained.

"By all means, Wormtail, help yourself… I was just off to bed anyway… erm, goodnight, Wormtail. Goodnight… Bob," Malfoy said with a rather nervous tone.

"Goodnight, master,' Tonks said.

"Yes… oh Merlin," Malfoy said before he strode out of the room.


	3. The Healer

Malfoy sat opposite the famous Healer Cheese.

"Now then, what seems to be the trouble?" Healer Cheese asked.

"Well, it's my manservant," Malfoy said quietly.

"I see. Well, don't be embarrassed. If you've got the pox, just pop your manservant on the table and we'll take a look at it, shall we?" Healer Cheese asked matter-of-factly.

"No, it's my real manservant," Malfoy hissed through clenched teeth.

"And what's wrong with him?" Healer Cheese asked.

"Nothing is wrong with him. That's the problem. He's perfect. And last night I almost kissed him," Malfoy confessed.

"I see. So, you've started fancying boys then, have you?" Healer Cheese asked.

"Not 'boys', A boy," Malfoy hissed.

"Yes, well, let's not split hairs, it's all rather disgusting, and naturally you're worried," Healer Cheese said.

"Of course I'm worried," Malfoy shrieked.

"Well, of course you are. It's not every day a man wakes up to discover he's a screaming bender with no more right to be a Death Eater than one of the Weasley's offspring. Ashamed of yourself?" Healer Cheese said.

"Not really, no," Malfoy snapped.

"Bloody hell, I would be, still why should I complain, just leaves more rampant wenches for us real men, eh," Healer Cheese smirked.

"Am I actually paying for this personal abuse, or is it extra?" Malfoy hissed.

"No, all put in the service. Mmmm, I think you're in luck though, an extraordinary new cure has just been developed for exactly these kind of sordid problems," Healer Cheese said.

"It wouldn't have anything to do with cheese, would it?" Malfoy sneered.

"I had no idea you were a medical wizard," Healer Cheese replied.

"No, no. Just I've never had anything you Healers didn't try to cure with cheese. Parmazan in my ear for earache. Mozarella up my bottom for constipation," Malfoy said. **__**

'They're marvellous, aren't they?" Healer Cheese asked.

"Well, the bottom one wasn't. I sat down and squashed it," Malfoy said irritated.

"You know, the cheese comes to us on the highest authority," Healer Cheese informed Malfoy.

"Yes, I can't spend all day gossiping. I'm a busy man," Malfoy said.

"As far as this case is concerned, I've had time to think it through and I can strongly recommend a course of…"

"Cheese," Malfoy finished his line. "Oh, just pop a couple of slices down my breeches before I got to bed."

"Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't be ridiculous. This isn't the Muggle world. No – just suck on a piece of Camembert in the morning, and let it dissolve slowly. Within a couple of weeks, you'll be beating your servant with your cane just like the rest of us," Healer Cheese explained.

"You're really just an old quack, aren't you?" Malfoy sneered.

"I'd rather be a quack than a ducky. Good day," Healer Cheese said with a dismissive wave of his hand.


	4. The wisewitch

In spite of knowing better, Malfoy followed Wormtail's advice of the day and travelled to Putney to see the wisewitch. Since he didn't knew the exact location, he asked a young wench on the street.

"Tell me, young wench, is this Putney," Malfoy asked.

"That it be, that it be," the wench shrieked.

"'Yes, it is', not 'that it be'. You don't have to talk in that stupid voice to me. I'm not a tourist," Malfoy hissed. "I seek information about a wisewitch."

"Ah! The wisewitch! The wisewitch!" the wench shrieked.

"Yes, the wisewitch," Malfoy hissed, losing his temper now.

"Two things, sir, must ye know of the wisewitch," the wench shrieked. "First! She is a witch. And second, she is…"

"Wise?" Malfoy said, utterly bored.

"You do know her then?" The wench asked, her voice suddenly normal.

"Oh no, just a wild flick of a wand and I'll incidentally hex you with one if you don't start being a bit more helpful. Do you know where she lives?" Malfoy hissed through clenched teeth.

" 'Course. There," the wench said as she pointed at the shabby cottage behind her.

"Thank you, young wench. Here is a purse of gold… which I'm not going to give you," Malfoy sneered and entered the cottage.

"Hail Lucius Malfoy. Breeder of blond and arrogant offspring! Step no nearer. For already I see thy bloody purpose. Thou plottest, Malfoy! Thou would'st be Minister of Magic and torture all Muggleborns," the wisewitch said and started to cackle.

"No, no, no, no. It's far worse than that. I'm in love with my manservant," Malfoy said.

"Oh, well. I'd sleep with him, if I were you," the wisewitch said.

"What?" Malfoy shrieked.

"When I fancy people, I sleep with them. I have to drug them first, of course, being so old and warty," the wisewitch explained with a shrug.

"But what about my position, my social life, my fellow Death Eaters?" Malfoy asked.

"Very well then. Three other paths are open to you, three cunning plans to cure thy ailment," the wisewitch said. "The first is simple. Kill Bob."

"Never!"

"Then try the second. Kill yourself," the wisewitch said.

"And the third?" Malfoy asked.

"The third is to ensure that no one else ever knows. Kill everybody in the whole world," the wisewitch answered and started to cackle again.

"Ah ha," Malfoy said and fled out of the room as it was now rather clear that the wisewitch is quite mad.

Malfoy returned to his mansion and found Tonks in a drawing room.

"Now look here, Bob. I have something to say to you. And I want you to listen very carefully. I have decided that you are to leave my service," Malfoy said.

"Oh, no, master. My father will starve and I'll have to become a… male prostitute and besides… I thought we were friends," Tonks pleaded.

"We are friends, Bob. Of course, of course, of course, of course, of course, of course, of course, of course, of course. In fact, that's the reason I want you to leave my service and become my live in … chum," Malfoy said with a voice that shook with nervousness. "Now, I want to make it quite clear that I am in no way interested in the contents of your breeches."

"You might be, master, if you knew what I kept in them," Tonks said.

"I flatter myself, Bob, that I know what a wizard keeps in his breeches, thank you very much," Malfoy said.

"But, master, I have a great secret. Prepare to be amazed," Tonks said as she started to take her top off.

"Oh, no. You haven't got one of those awful birthmarks shaped like a bolt of lightning, have you? Or a tattoo saying 'Grab hold of this'?" Malfoy asked.

"No, master," Tonks replied as she kept on stripping her top.

"Well, what can it possibly be?" Malfoy asked.

"This," Tonks answered as she ripped open her bodice.

"Split my infinitives," Malfoy said and fell back in a chair.

Two minutes later, Malfoy had caught his breath and was now chatting with Tonks.

"Well, what was all that Bob stuff about then?" Malfoy asked.

"Because you would have just used me and cast me aside like so many woman before. But now you have had a chance to grow to love me for what I really am," Tonks explained.

"Yes, that's true. And now… I want to marry you… Bob," Malfoy said

"Tonks," Tonks said.

"Then come, kiss me, Tonks," Malfoy said.


	5. A rat in a dress

Voldemort was utterly bored when Fudge entered. He bowed down before the Dark Lord and greeted Bellatrix.

"Master, I bring grave intelligence of your former favourite Death Eater, Lucius Malfoy," Fudge said.

"Oh good," Voldemort said as he sat up straight in his throne.

"It appears he wishes to marry a girl called Bob," Fudge continued.

"That's a very odd name for a girl, isn't it? Girls are normally called Lise, or Jill," Voldemort said. **__**

"And Bernard," Bellatrix suddenly said with an absent glance in her eyes.

"Mouth is open, Bella: should be shut," Voldemort snapped

At that moment, Malfoy swept in and kneeled down at his Lord's feet.

"Oh, hullo, stranger," Voldemort said teasingly.

"I seek your permission to wed, my Lord," Malfoy said.

"So I hear – Fudgy, what do you think of all this?" Voldemort asked.

"I must profess, Master, I am astonished that Malfoy could possible have time for romance," Fudge said.

"Good point, Fudgy," Voldemort replied.

"But when I fell in love, my Lord, I didn't know she was a woman. I thought she was a boy. And there weren't any raids at the time," Malfoy said.

"Of course, that makes it perfectly acceptable," Fudge sneered.

"Oh, all right, go on and marry her," Voldemort said.

"Thank you, my Lord," Malfoy said and bowed deeply.

"Just tell me one thing. Is her nose as cute as mine?" Voldemort asked.

"Oh, no, no, no, no, my Lord," Malfoy said.

"Oh, good. Because otherwise I would have to hex her nose and turn it into a peach and then you'd have to marry someone with a piece of fruit attached to her face, and that wouldn't be very nice, would it? I mean, imagine the mess when she got a cold. Yuk!" Voldemort said.

"Well, quite, my Lord," Malfoy replied a bit confused by his Lord's sudden interest for noses.

"All right – off you go then," Voldemort said.

Malfoy bowed one last time before he left the room.

* * *

Very weddingly, Wormtail was fitted into a lovely dress. Tonks was fluffing round with the finale details.

"You'll make a lovely bridesmaid, Wormtail, and pity me that I have no actual girl chums because we were so poor in our house, we couldn't afford friends," Tonks sighed.

"It is strangely in keeping with the manner of our courtship that your maid of honour should be a man," Malfoy sneered.

"There we go, Wormtail. You look sweet as a little pie," Tonks said as she stood back and admired her work.

"Tonks, he looks like what he is, a rat in a dress," Malfoy said.

At that moment, the door swung open en Snape entered the room.

"Lucius, I…," Snape started but then spotted Wormtail. He didn't recognize him and started to flirt. "Oh, hullo, there. Lucius didn't tell me we were expecting guests. And such a pretty one too."

"Oh Merlin," Malfoy sighed.

"Well, you're a little cutie to be hiding yourself away all these years. Tell me, gorgeous, what's your name?" Snape asked.

"He's called Wormtail," Malfoy hissed.

"Wormtail, that's a pretty name. Lucius used to have a servant called Wormtail, but anyway, away with such small talk, lady, a kiss!" Snape said and stepped closer to Wormtail.

"What?" Wormtail asked startled.

"And so modest too, come on, you little tease, you know you want to. Give us a kiss," Snape said.

Wormtail grabbed Snape's head and kissed him passionately.

"Severus, that _is _our Wormtail, he's wearing a dress," Lucius sneered.

Snape broke off the kiss and ran to the fireplace where he vomited his guts out.

"Anyway, what do you want?" Malfoy asked.

"Well, erm, Lucius, there has been some discussion amongst the Death Eaters on the subject of who's going to be your best man, and I thought it might be the moment to bring it to a conclusion," Snape said excitedly after he recovered from the kiss.

"Oh, yes, Severus, I would like you…" Malfoy began.

"Oh, Lucius, I'm so proud…" Snape interrupted him but Malfoy raised his hand to stop him.

"Please let me finish. I would like you… to take this letter to Dover, where Gilderoy Lockheart is having a photo-shoot for his next book-cover. He shall be my best man," Lucius said.

"Gilderoy Lockheart, the best liar, the best corrupter and the best kisser in the kingdom?" Snape asked knowing that he was outclassed.

"Even he. To Dover at once!" Malfoy said.

On the verge of tears, Snape left the room to depart to Dover.


	6. The wedding day

The wedding day. Tonks was waiting in the dungeons with her father by her side, who looked distinctly unkempt. Malfoy stopped by the side of his bride to be.

"Oh, Lucius. I can't believe it's really happening," Tonks said excitedly.

"It is, my sweet," Malfoy replied.

"Before we go in, I want you to meet my father," Tonks said.

"Oh fine," Malfoy said and waited for his father-in-law to turn up. Then he spied the loitering man. "Excuse me, could you move along, please. Look, I'm waiting for my father-in-law. The last thing I want is some scruffy old Muggle blocking up the corridor smelling of cabbages," Malfoy hissed.

"I am your father-in-law," the man replied.

"Oh no… all right, how much do you want to clear off?" Malfoy said as he reached inside his robes for his gold.

"Lucius, how could you? He is my father, my only living relative," Tonks said, quite upset by her future husband's action.

"Ten Galleons should do the trick," the old man said.

"All right. There you go," Malfoy said as he handed over the gold.

"Lucius, you mustn't," Tonks said.

"Don't worry, I'll get Wormtail to hex him after the service. We'll get the gold back. Come on, we're late," Malfoy said as he took Tonks' arm and guided her into the dungeon where Voldemort and the others were waiting.

"Lucius, could get on, do you think? I want to get to the reception so I can seduce some fine pureblood witches," Voldemort hissed.

"Unfortunately, my Lord, the best man still has not arrived," Malfoy said.

"Well, get another one," Voldemort said.

"There's no one else I can really think of," Malfoy said.

"Oh, come on, Lucius, you must be able to think of another best man," Voldemort said.

"Well, I suppose I could ask Severus," Malfoy said as he turned towards Snape. "Severus…"

"Master!" Snape replied excited.

"Can you think of another best man?" Lucius asked.

Snape was obvious hurt but he recovered fast. "Well, one name does spring to mind."

"Yes, but I can't ask Wormtail. He's a bridesmaid and, besides, I need a friend, an equal, and old and trusty companion," Malfoy sneered.

"I think there's one person in the room who fits the description," Snape said hopeful.

"Of course. Bellatrix, how do you fancy putting on a pair of hose and being my best man?" Malfoy asked.

"Lucius! Don't be so evil. You know perfectly well who Severus' referring to," Voldemort roared.

"Of course. I'm sorry, Fudge…," Malfoy started but Voldemort made a menacing hissing sound.

"All right, all right! Shamed as I am, and contradiction in terms though it is, Severus, you can be the best man," Malfoy sighed.

"Oh, master! What an honour. I brought along a ring," Snape said as he reached in his robes for the jewel.

"I really did think old Lockheart would have turned up," Malfoy sighed.

At that moment, there was a blindingly bright flash, a lot of smoke and a loud crack that announced someone apperated. When the smoke cleared up, Lockheart was standing in the middle of the dungeon, grinning broadly.

"It's me!" Lockheart shouted.

"Where have you been?" Malfoy asked.

"Where haven't I been. But I'm here now, and … who's that," Lockheart asked as he pointed to Snape.

"No idea, but he's in your place," Malfoy sneered.

"Not for long," Lockheart said. He drew out his wand, handed it to Wormtail, took Snape by his greasy hair and dragged him through the doors of the dungeon where he gave him a last kick. When he re-entered, he took his wand back and cleaned his hand on a piece of the decoration.

"Thanks, bridesmaid. Like the beard, gives me something to hang on to. So, my old mate Luc is getting hitched eh," Lockheart said, still grinning. "Hey Fudgy, still worshipping the Dark Lord?" Lockheart whispered in Fudge's ear.

"Sir!" Fudge replied.

"Last thing I heard, he'd started worshipping me," Lockheart whispered.

Lockheart laughed at the flabbergasted expression on Fudge's face.

"Bella, I like it, firm and fruity. Am I pleased to see you, or did I put a wand in my pocket! Down, boy, down!" Lockheart said, still grinning. "And now, where's this amazing bird, the one who's stopped my old pal Luc doing exactly what he wants ten times a night."

"Lockheart, let me introduce my fiancée, Tonks," Malfoy said beaming.

"Hi, baby," Lockheart said, strode to Tonks and started to kiss her passionately. "She's got a tongue like a serpent and she likes the taste of a man's tonsils. You don't want to marry Goldie-locks, baby. Meet me on my broom in eight seconds."

"But I can't run in this frock. You see, I've found I actually prefer wearing boy's robes," Tonks confessed.

"Weird. I always feel more comfy in a dress! I've got a plan, and it's as white as my teeth!" Lockheart said.

"What a man Gilderoy is," Malfoy said to Snape. "Things will certainly liven up round here now he's back, won't they Gilderoy?"

He turned towards Lockheart but another cloud of smoke blocked his vision. When the smoke finally, disappeared, Lockheart was wearing a dress and Tonks was clad in male robes.

"So long, Mudbloods! Next time you're bored with your lives, give me a call and I'll come round and hex you!" Lockheart smirked.

"Bye, Lucius, and thanks for everything," Tonks said.

Another cloud of smoke and a loud crack filled the dungeon. The fog cleared up and Lockheart and Tonks were gone.

"It is customary on these occasions for the groom to marry the bridesmaid. I presume you will honour this," Fudge sneered.

"I do," Wormtail beamed.

"Ah-ha," Lucius said.

He glanced at Wormtail, who was looking seductively his way. The end of the Malfoy family was near.

The End

_**So Lockheart tweaked Goldielock's hair,**_

**_From now he always shall be single._**

**_To fall in love with boys is weird,_**

**_Especially boys without a dingle._**

****

**_O Malfoy, O Malfoy,_**

**_His taste is rather odd._**

**_O Malfoy, O Malfoy,_**

**_The randy little sod._**

****

**_Dear Lockheart, Dear Lockheart,_**

**_I wish you were the star._**

**_Dear Lockheart, Dear Lockheart,_**

**_You're prettier by far!_**


End file.
